It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
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Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Always a metermaid never a meter
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
My dog learned how to text
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Happy Caturday!
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.