What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
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I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in