What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
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(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
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Love it! 👍😂
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Blew my mind.
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I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots