Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
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My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
this country is so goddamn polarized
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty