Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
You Might Also Like
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on