My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
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Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
We cut our bangs at dawn.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.