13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
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I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
fourth time’s the charm
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Lucky old June.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors