And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
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When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible