I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
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Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet