wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
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Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Y’all ready for this
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no