Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
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My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
That de-escalated quickly
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
🤣😂🤣
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.