My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
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The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
car not found
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
😂💯
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.