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My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread