I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
You Might Also Like
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!