I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
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If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
#FunnyLife Insects
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
me when the borders lift
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.