what is cheese if not milk persevering
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Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Left at a local drug store…
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry