I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
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Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
A small tragedy.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.