Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
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Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.