Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
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I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.