My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
You Might Also Like
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Story of my life…..
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm