[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
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Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
courtroom exchange of the day
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Everything reminds me of my ex
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?