Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
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Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.