Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
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Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Eat…
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My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
being a writer on Twitter:
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I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Sheep
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Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.