Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
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Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I’m crying im so happy for them
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.