Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
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OH. COME. ON.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
What number SPF blocks people?
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack