OH. COME. ON.
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2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Godspeed, John Glenn