I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
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No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Omg 🤣
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Where is your GOD now????
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Name another movie that mislead you?
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.