“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
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I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
The honesty is refreshing
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.