I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
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My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
God, I love Scotland
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.