You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
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(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Natural selection at its finest
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes