I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
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Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
S O O N
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Chicago sounds lovely.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no