“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
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If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.