Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
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Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead