Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
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My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me: