Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”