WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
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In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that