In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
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And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.