[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
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our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.