I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
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took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now