At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
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Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Pot warmers of the day.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours