My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
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Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?