Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
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ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?