The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
You Might Also Like
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)