Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
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7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
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Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
The Compass
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?