people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
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I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Whoa… oh I see lol
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”