I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
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[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.