Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
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[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
In Canada they just call them geese
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
The prophecy is fulfilled
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill