I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
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there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I created you as mosquito food.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no