Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
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[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?