“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
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*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”