“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
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I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
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I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No