I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
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ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Phones down.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.