Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
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[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.